How to Navigate Yom Tov Without Your Loved One

The thought of celebrating Yom Tov without your loved or with a changed circumstance can feel

overwhelming. For some the missing person’s place at the table is achingly empty, for other the changes

in your table feels very different, and the usual excitement of Yom Tov may feel out of reach. At times, it

seems easier to push away the thought of Yom Tov entirely rather than face the loneliness or hurt that it

might bring.

If you’re feeling this way, you are not alone. While nothing can fully fill the space of a missing someone

important to you, or magically fix your difficult circumstance, there are ways to soften the experience and

create meaningful moments for yourself and your family. Here are some ideas to help make Yom Tov feel

lighter and more manageable:

Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions

It’s natural to want to push away sadness, but sometimes, allowing yourself to process it ahead of time

can be healing. You might wonder, “Why would I willingly dwell on this?” And It’s true; constantly

thinking about it in your head can be counterproductive and even make you feel worse. The key is to

choose one of healthy method to help you process in a way that is healing. Since these feelings are likely

lingering beneath the surface anyway, acknowledging them—whether by talking with a trusted friend,

journaling, or taking a peaceful walk—can help lighten their weight. By being active while thinking about

it, you help your brain move in more productive ways, allowing it to process the emotions in a healthier

manner.

Another beneficial way to process is to bring your emotions to Hashem. You know how you often

minimize your difficulties when others feel bad for you. You pretend it’s more manageable than it is,

while inside, you may feel like this is all to much for you? This is one place where you can be fully

transparent with how you feel. Tell Him everything on your mind, all the details you’ve been struggling

with internally and keeping from others. Allow Him to problem-solve. Remember that His infinite wisdom

can offer solutions that are far superior than anything you might have initially thought of.

The next step would be to nurture yourself.

After acknowledging the difficult reality of the situation, give yourself permission to experience some

comfort. Here is where self-compassion can be very helpful. Self-compassion is when we extend the same

compassion and kindness that we would extend to our friend, we now offer ourselves. Do something kind

for yourself—give yourself something small. Perhaps savor a special treat, take a warm shower and

massage lotion onto your skin, or carve out five minutes to enjoy a cup of coffee in peaceful stillness.

Whatever simple sensory experience you choose, do it mindfully in order to fully enjoy the moment. Use

your five senses to focus on the details. For instance, if you choose a nice hot drink, sit down on a

comfortable chair, and notice the aroma, the warmth of the cup in your hands, the taste, the feeling as it

slides down your throat, and how it makes you feel.

The next step is bringing your family on board. Create a Plan and Get Your Family Involved

Sometimes, it can be hard to get in the mood for Yom Tov, but turning it into a family project can help

ignite excitement in everyone. Talk about all the special things you’ll be doing together. Try to incorporate

small specific extras tailored to each child to make the excitement contagious. For example, if one of your

children has always wanted a specific magazine, let them know that you’ll be getting it in honor of Pesach.

Or, if there’s a food one child loves, discuss how you will be doubling the amount this year. Then, work

together to plan everyone’s contributions, ensuring that each person feels included and excited. When

everyone is planning with enthusiasm, the excitement mount and builds in anticipation of the upcoming

Yomtov.

Try to include some sort of Meaningful Learning

You might be tired overwhelmed, with little extra time. Consider learning something small but

meaningful. Read an ArtScroll translation of the Haggadah, listen to a shiur while you are working, or

explore an idea related to Pesach. There is a special koach that comes down each Yomtov, that has the

power to create extraordinary joy within each one of us. Taking the time to learn about its kochos, can

help tap into that channel, and can create a beautiful space for it to enter you life on Yomtov.

Allow Yourself to Enjoy Yom Tov, One Moment at a Time

Finally, as you prepare for Pesach, try to take it moment by moment. Focus on the blessings you still have,

and let yourself find moments of joy. It’s okay to feel sadness and joy at the same time. By allowing

yourself to feel your emotions, nurture yourself, and engage with your family, you create space for the

beauty of Pesach, even in the midst of loss.

Fraidy Zeidman M.S. Ed., LMFT is an experienced licensed Marriage and Family therapist with a focus on

relationships. As a couples and women’s therapist, Fraidy focuses on creating beautiful experiences for

the entire family. Fraidy has presented workshops at many different frum venues. Her specialties include,

couples, women’s emotional health, and parenting.She can be reached at FraidyZeidmanLMHC@gmail.com