Emotions as signals, Can you tune into its messages?
Often you may feel like your emotions that are too difficult to bear. You want to get
rid of them as it’s interfering with your daily functioning. The feelings are bewildering, fearsome, illogical
and so overwhelming.
What if you looked at feelings differently? Instead of trying to tame them or make them go away, you
tune into its messages. This will not only will allow the emotions recede, it will actually improve the
quality of your life.
For example, imagine you are feeling a bit happy. You are having a conference at work and the goal is to
discuss the deal you helped pull through for your company. You wake up humming, cheerfully greet
your partner, and finish your morning routine with a smile. On the way to work you receive a phone call
from your friend who is vacationing in Hawaii. “The weather is gorgeous,” exclaims your friend. “The
scenery is breathtaking, and I have never had so much fun in my life.” Suddenly your workday seems
boring, your life unfair, and you are longing for sunshine. You try to push away the jealousy, because
after all you are Jewish, and you want to ‘fargin’ – rejoice in your friend’s wonderful opportunity. Yet
somehow, the energy is missing from your day.
What if instead of pushing away your emotions, you made space for it and tune into its message?
Jealousy means that something is missing from your life. It doesn’t mean that you need a vacation to
Hawaii, but it does mean you need to take a closer look at your life and see what is missing. It could be
you need 20 minutes at night to decompress and do an activity you enjoy. It is possible that it’s time to
call your friend you enjoy schmoozing with, and have pushed off the phone call for so long, due to other
priorities. It may even be that you need to make space for weekly walks outdoors, to get the fresh air
you crave. Only you will be able to figure out what’s missing from your life, as its very personal.
However, if you tune in, you will hear the message, that has been waiting to be heard for so long. Your
friends phone call may have been the trigger, but it is not the cause. Other people may get the call, and
feel a bit wistful but would not have the mood shift. It is when there actually is a lack in your life that is
clamoring to be heard, that your mood will shift. If your friend hadn’t called, another scenario would
have happened to trigger the jealousy, because the trigger doesn’t cause the lack. It highlights that
which is already present.
How do you tune into your emotions? It’s not a long and complicated process, though it does take
practice. All you need is a small space where you can safely close your eyes for a moment. You can lean
against a wall, sit on a chair, or even while you are laying in your bed at night. Now picture a metal
detector that they have for security, at an airport. You know how they ask you to put your hands up, and
then the security guard slowly scans your whole body? Try to do the same thing in your mind. Notice
which body parts feel are at ease and which feel uncomfortable. For instance, you may notice, some
tension and tightness in your neck, a tingly feeling in your hands and a heaviness in your chest. Take a
moment to realize that they are resting on your body, because they have a message for you; and are
trying to be heard. The way a child tugs at a mother, to get her attention. Thank it for coming to share
its message, and for the intention to help. Gently separate it, by visually placing them in another part of
the room. Pause, take a moment to take three deep breaths, and when your body feels comfortable,
turn to the uncomfortable parts.
Ask them, “What message do you have for me? “E.g., “What are you feeling jealous about. What am I
missing from my life?” The answer will usually pop up automatically. However, very often we will reject
the answer, claiming its illogical and unrelated. The tendency to reject it is high, as that is what you have
been doing until now, and that is what caused the lack. So, take a moment to make space for the
message and see how you can creatively problem solve to meet its need. For example, if the answer is “I
need some time for myself in my schedule.” You might immediately counter with there is no extra time,
I always end with half my to do list undone. It is helpful to slow down and think of small moments to
find space. The five-minute wait in the car. Ten minutes before bedtime, or ten-minutes right after you
wake up in the morning. Only you will be able to problem solve what works for your schedule. The key
here is to slow down and be open to trying something different.
If this exercise feels uncomfortable due to its newness and how unusual it feels, I encourage you to try it
three different times. This can help you get used to it, and reap its eternal benefits. If you are still
uncomfortable, you can do it more simply. Remind yourself about the difficult feeling, allow for 20
seconds of quiet, to see what may be causing it. E.g., if you are jealous, start to wonder what is missing
from your life. The answer will you usually come as well, and then you can problem solve how to
address it.
It’s not just jealousy that is a signal, all emotions have its message. Let’s say you live in a multifamily
home. Each evening your neighbor leaves the garbage near her doorway. In the morning, her husband
takes it downstairs and puts it in the outdoor bin. The result is a stench in your hallway that never
disappears. Each time you notice the garbage in the evening, you find yourself getting angry. Blood may
rush to your face, your hands make shake a bit, and you feel the energy coursing through you. You try
to remind yourself that yelling at your neighbor is not the solution. You think about how you don’t want
to role model to your kids what an angry outburst looks like. So, you carefully swallow your anger, try to
walk away and follow the mode of a peaceful neighbor. What if you tuned into the message of your
anger instead?
Anger is sign that a boundary has been crossed. By leaving the garbage out of her apartment overnight,
the hallway perpetually has an unpleasant smell. Each time you come home; you are greeted with this
odor. This can make you feel sad and disappointed as you enter your home. Then you may feel angry
that your home has the smell in the first place. What boundary has been crossed? The space that you all
share, the hallway is meant to be pleasant and odor free. What causes the odor? Your neighbor’s
garbage. How can you invoke change in your neighbor? By communicating in a manner that can be
heard. You can tell your neighbors how awful it is that they leave their garbage out overnight. Chances
are they may defend themselves with some of the unfair practices they feel you are doing.
What if instead, you explain how you feel, beginning positively and ending hopefully. For example, you
might say I really appreciate having you as a neighbor, my kids enjoy playing with yours. They are so
fortunate to have built in playmates. I know how difficult it can be to manage a full home, so you are
probably are not aware of this. The garbage when left out overnight causes an unpleasant odor in the
hallway. When I come home after a day’s work, it is disappointing to smell it. Would it be possible to
either put the garbage out in the morning, or have it taken out in the evening?
The chances of your neighbor respecting the request is much greater, as you respected them in your
manner of speech. Now you might say, I don’t’ have a way with words, I can’t give such a detailed
request, and that is totally ok. As long you follow the basic format, figure out the boundary that has
been crossed, be clear about your request, and relate it in a respectful manner. E.g “It’s so good to see
you. You probably didn’t notice that late at night the garbage in the hallway causes an odor. Would it
be possible not to leave it in the hallway?”
By now I hope you have noticed how valuable each emotion is, and how tuning into it, rather than trying
to get rid of it, can improve the quality of your daily life.
